The Security of Support

I used to believe getting support was a sign of weakness. I was wrong. I first explored the value of support in Context Training's Excellence Series nearly 20 years ago. I remember I wanted badly to be more disciplined about my writing. We'd heard the trainer's story; he always made excuses for not exercising. But when he got a support partner, she wouldn't take no for an answer. She'd come to his desk at the appointed time and say, "OK, Jim, put your walking outfit on." And no matter what he said--"Oh, I can't tonight; I have to finish this report before I leave" or "I'm feeling bushed; I'm just going home now" or "You don't understand; I don't want to go walking in the rain"--no matter what, she didn't listen to the excuses. She just stood there and let him know she wasn't leaving without him. That is support.

I knew that was what I needed if I were to write this book. I'd started "Moreah's Memoirs and Musings" in the 1980's, and had about 50 subscribers. Writing from my heart, my experiences, was and is my favorite form of expression. I've done a monthly column for Seattle's Active Singles Life since 1992, and I enjoy that too, but it comes more from my head. The musings come from a childlike delight in the treasure chest of the Universe. When my friend Shay said she would be honored to offer daily support in the form of an email, and brief comments on what she liked, I knew the book would be written. Now I meant to write each day, and in the two months since I began, this is my 18th essay, but two essays a week is so much better than none! I've come to count on the email. Here is a Belief Partner who knows as clearly and surely as I do that the book will be and is being written. Support like that is priceless.

I dare say we all have different experiences of support. Even the thesaurus shows many possible ways of looking at it: to encourage, hearten, reassure, inspire, cheer, comfort, uphold, validate, sustain, fortify, reinforce, bolster. Would you do an experiment with me? Pick something you really want to Be, Do, or Have in your life. Picture what the support would look like for you to realize that dream or vision. Would it be a daily phone call? A timer set each hour so you would remember to breathe deeply, to read 5 minutes of inspiration, or to stretch? A daily planner in which each night you'd take a few minutes to prioritize and write in tomorrow's goals? A daily walk, alone or with a partner? Getting on a listserv of like-minded people to share what's working for you?

How does support promote security? Again, from the thesaurus under "security"-- safety, protection, safeguards, invulnerability, solidity, reliability, trustworthiness, predictability, assurance, constancy, unflappability, balance, unchangeableness. These are the things that make a child feel safe--knowing there are clothes, toys, hugs, food, and the parent's daily presence and love. We're all just grown-up children; we still need to feel safe, loved, supported. Many of us get that from our family, close friends, significant others. Some of us have formed an extended family to make up for the natural family's closeness or support. We count on others to empathize with our pain as well as to celebrate our pleasure.

Right now, one of my favorite people is very depressed. We've talked on the phone a lot since he's out of state, and in some amazing way I feel supported by being there for him. Probably a bit like a child might feel when he brings in a bouquet of dandelions, or like a baker feels bringing extra cookies to his friends. When you're reaching out to others, notice any ways you feel supported as well--you get to feel helpful, loving, understanding of the human condition.

What I advocate in addition to sharing the daily ups and downs with loved ones is to create various support systems for different needs, different short or long-term goals. For me, that showed itself in a massage after being on my feet three days at a trade show. Anticipating that made the hours much less physically draining. On the massage table, with the meditation music on, I totally relaxed and took it in.

Another type of support is Nature. I bring in forsythia in April and feel free spirited in tandem with their yellow beauty that shoots out in all directions. I gather lilacs by the bucket in May to inhale their fragrance by my desk and at my bedside. I walk on the beach, amble in the woods. I stop and nearly fly myself whenever I see ducks or dozens of birds flying in a group. I give myself the first hour after I wake to journal, daydream, plan the day. If I'm physically or emotionally at a low, I let myself hide under the covers when I need to, and ride out the inner turbulence. It amounts to parenting myself in a way. I know what my inner child likes, and don't insist on broccoli if she prefers beans. I let her choose what games to play--at least when I remember to.

(Before you go on to something else, consider making a list of the people, places, situations, objects, activities and experiences--did I miss anything?--that support you, make you feel secure and assured. Then whenever you need the equivalent of a hug or "You can do it" or "I'm there for you", if the perfect support is not available, you can check your list, and make sure you do for you what you'd do for someone else you love. Three cheers for support!)

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