Are you facing conflict successfully to make life better for both you and your partner? Or is winning the fight at the cost of your relationship really all you want?

Every couple will have disagreements. How the two of you deal with disagreements is indicative of whether or not you are creating a healthy relationship or destructive one. How can you squabble so that both you and your partner can feel that an issue is fixed in the end, making your relationship stronger? There are some simple points to remember when disagreeing to make the resolution AND the relationship both successful:

1. How much you disagree and argue makes a difference in the success of your relationship. If you argue all the time, you will be heading to a guaranteed heartbreak. A guy who I once worked with asked me my opinion about his relationship between him and his fiancée. Working next to him I could not help but to hear him argue with her several times every day. Imagine the arguments after work. I told him that because of all the serious arguments they were having that I wondered if they were really ready to marry each other. He was very upset with the answer, of course. Choosing to ignore a loud and clear sign of trouble, they got married and were divorced within a year. How sad!

2. Leave the petty things alone, like leaving the toothpaste cap off or shoes on the floor. There is always something to complain about. Life is too short to fight about everything. Learn to let small things go. Look for ways to bring joy to each other rather than picking on each other regarding the little unimportant things. When you do argue, save it for something important or potentially life altering, like how to deal with the kids, whether to move or stay, or major things that hurt your feelings.

3. Express how you are feeling without blaming the other person. It is so easy to get on the defensive. When expressing yourself try to say how an event has made you feel or affected you. You may say, "correct me if I am wrong but the way I see or perceive XYZ issue/event is..." Or perhaps, "I love you and I'm sure you love and care about me, however when ABC happened yesterday I felt..." Keep in mind your partner wants what is best in life for you, therefore he maybe completely unaware of what happened. This is a loving way to give him the opportunity to clear up a misunderstanding or to correct the issue.

4. Don't let issues fester or reach a boiling point to where you end up screaming at each other and saying things that are intentionally hurtful. Long after an argument is over, words can sometimes be hard to forget and/or forgive. Saying hurtful things in the heat of anger is the fastest road to destroying a relationship permanently. Is that what you want?

5. Timing is very important as to whether your discussion will be successful or turn ugly. Find a time when you both are relaxed and therefore more open to talking calmly about issues. Having a serious discussion just after getting home from a really bad day of work is not productive. Home should always be a place to go to for a peaceful retreat from the chaos of the jungle. I find a lot of times a man dreads coming home after work because he knows when he walks in the door the wife/partner will be there to complain about something. If you want to put this to the test, visit the local bar around 5:00 or 6:00 ask the men there their opinion on the subject of coming home vs. avoiding it! Give your loved one a chance to unwind, enjoy the peace of home and to recharge before talking about major issues.

6. Have a discussion not a competition. You don't always have to be right. If you argue with the goal of being right, you will end up alone--left to agree with yourself. When you argue it needs to be with the goal of finding a solution. That means the two of you need to find a solution together, compromising. That's not always possible, and after discussing all the positives, negatives and feelings about the subject, take for example moving to a new city, someone may have to just simply give in. This is not the opportunity to try to make it fail so that you can say, "I told you so". Together as a team you both should work hard to make the decision successful. How great it is to know your partner is there to support you or for him to know that you are there to support him, even if you disagree. Talk about creating appreciation and admiration. (Can you feel the love?)

7. Be discreet. Do not argue in front of other people. We don't want to see or hear it. Humiliating your partner is anther way to make him want to leave. Also it is designed to degrade both you and your partner. It displays your lack of compassion and love for one anther. It will never elicit the positive response you truly need for a happy solution and relationship.

Remember you both want a great relationship, right? So when the discussion starts to get out of hand remind each other that you love one anther and that you want to talk to make things better, not to hurt each other. Then take a breath when ready start talking with the idea of reaching a solution together. Couples who have this mastered are very happy, successful people.

Have fun,

©2008 Emily McKay

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